my postpartum story

Maybe similar to you, “FROM THE DAY I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT, TO THE UNEXPECTED LIFE EVENTS LEADING UP TO THE MOMENT I GAVE BIRTH, I HAD ENVISIONED WHAT MOTHERHOOD WOULD LOOK AND FEEL LIKE AS A STAY-AT-HOME (WORKING) MOM, AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. EASY GOING AND WELL, YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE WRITTEN A MOVIE ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT WAS PERFECT.”

Then unexpected life events happened.

At 34w my father had a heart episode and required to undergo a quadruple bypass surgery 1,500mi away. Happy to report everything went well and he’s now enjoying his time with his spunky grandson.

At 36w our entire house flooded. We were relocated to a temporary furnished apartment for the next 3.5mo while our entire house, with exception to the master bathroom was gutted and renovated.

At 39w6d we welcomed our baby boy into this world via C-section with the umbilical cord so tight around his neck that he was whisked off to the NICU for the first 2hrs of his life, leaving me with the scary as hell unknown of whether he was okay or not. 4 days later we were discharged from the hospital.

What I didn’t realize was the trauma and PTSD that occured from each of the separate events that I mentioned. 

I had suppressed the emotions as a result of my logical reaction to pick up the pieces, be thankful that nothing worse had happened, and look forward to raising a tiny human.

Yet through all of that I wasn’t “fine” and in fact, I was a wreck of emotions. I just didn’t know it...errr...maybe I just didn’t want to admit it.

Couple the unresolved trauma with the unrealistic, movie-like self-imposed expectations for what it meant to be a good, not even great, mom with all the emotions nobody told me I may experience after birth...was, well...a recipe for disaster.

I was so focused on being and doing everything PERFECT and “proving” to others that I was capable and worthy of being a mom, searching for all the answers outside of myself that I didn’t know up from down. The emotions practically paralyzed me.


But I didn’t feel sad.
Let me repeat that.
I didn’t feel sad.

but i was...

Crippled with anxiety.

Riddled with fear.

Retreating from loved ones.

Thinking my family would be better without me.

Feeling unworthy of my marriage, my son and my family and friends.

Feeling ashamed and embarrassed of my thoughts.

Questioning why I was feeling this way when nobody else was (or so I thought).

It took six (6) months of sitting in this shit cycle of emotions and some come to Jesus talks with my husband, before acknowledging or admitting that something was wrong. It took another two (2) months after that to seek help. Mainly because I didn’t know what help to even seek. After all, I wasn’t sad so I didn’t relate to postpartum depression (ppd) as I once knew it.

Thanks to traditional therapy, conventional medicine and writing, I was on my path to healing. But it wasn’t until I truly went inward, did the internal healing, cut the energy leaks, as well as the itty bitty shitty committee that had setup camp in my mind, that I truly found healing.

What boggles my mind most, is that I wasn’t alone in the feelings or thoughts I had. It was actually very common but nobody was talking about it and the resources that are out there...I had to go search for, while not even having a clue of what kind of help I was searching for.

My purpose is now greater than just me. 

IT IS TO CHANGE THE POSTPARTUM NARRATIVE, LIFT THE SHAME, GET AHEAD OF THE DARKNESS AND EQUIP MAMAS WITH TOOLS THAT WILL IGNITE THEIR INNER LIGHT, SO THEY CAN BE THE LUMINOUS MAMA THEY ALWAYS WERE.

And mama,

through my experience I am so grateful to help you live your most luminous postpartum journey!

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